carmieeleetah

The gathering of significantly different groups of friends can be potentially disastrous, which is why after a particular potato party, I was pleasantly surprised how well everyone got along with one another, mingled with each other and how there will always be some people who will naturally step up to being a great host. Kudos to all who were present.

Yesterday, surrounded by a multitude of people, both close friends and newly made acquaintances, i felt the need to take myself away from the crowds to observe from a distance. Perhaps it was me, sizing everyone up, but I think it was more than that. It was me, looking and seeing how different groups of people come together, with a shared purpose- in this case, to celebrate friendship and a special day of a special person. A glimpse at the core of human nature; where we all came together because there was something/someone in common that we cared about. This commonality helped to bond and gel us, and in that particular space and time, there was no 6 degrees of separation, just the desire for an enjoyable evening with pleasant company.

The topic and issue of 'friends' have always been one that I hold particularly close to my heart. And I'm not referring only to my friends, but the entire idea and concept of friends and friendships. I would like to think that I'm quite a loyal friend. There is nothing that I would not do for a friend (except for crime- unless of course, we can think of a way to get away with it!) and I will feel indignant when one of my friends are taken advantage of. I've always operated under the rule that friends of my friends, are my friends too. But there are interesting circumstances where that becomes a little complicated (not difficult, but complicated).

Chemistry, honesty and non-judgement are necessary ingredients for being great friends. I'm fortunately enough to have made several fantastic friends over my lifetime. But I wonder if there are invisible lines that delineates friendship and if even with the best of friends, there are some lines that should never be crossed and some things that should not be said and some questions that should never be asked.

I don't remember much how the last few New Year's Eve has been. The one that comes to mind instinctively is the one i spent ushering 2009, sitting in my room alone on new year's eve in loughborough, finishing up the last of my assignments and taking some me-time to think. If I'm not wrong, the next few years were spent with family, at home.

This year, I spent the 31st at the home of one of my good friends, who very generously opened up her home and gave up time to cook us a feast. We spent the few minutes before the countdown laughing at the live telecast on tv, counting down and wishing each other Happy New Years. It wasn't a big celebration, it wasn't crowded and there weren't any fireworks. Just a gathering of close friends, friendships that go back almost 10 years and the feel of being contented.

2011 seems to have passed in a daze. At times, I wonder just how long it will take for the year to be over and now that it is all done and gone. i seem to be struck in the conundrum of trying to figure out just where the last 365 days flew to. So to start the my reflections of 2011. Here are a few things that struck me- be it things I'm particularly thankful for/ regret doing/ experiences learned.

1. My family (both nuclear and extended). For the occasions of love that I have taken for granted, the laughter and joy of knowing that these people have lived with you and watched you grow up. They know you so well that you will never have to explain the context and history of your life, simply because they already know, they were there.

2. Close friends; both old and new. 2011 has given me the opportunity to renew some friendships, strengthen old ones and make some new friends. The last half of the year has showed me that people are naturally drawn to each other and time is not the only measure of a good friend. Chemistry, humour and the willingness to being spontaneous are great ingredients to a good time.

3. In 2011, I aimed to race in the Standard Chartered Marathon. Unfortunately, I did not carry through with that resolution and gave the 42km race a miss. I shall have to defer it to this year. I did however, manage to run my 12km, 10km and 21km race. All of which, I never thought was possible. It is amazing how a simple comment stated at the dinner table, can give the necessary push to make the running dream a reality. I think that I've become stronger knowing that even though I might not be the first to cross the finish line, I have the tenacity to make it till the end.

4. Spontaneity. When I was in school and university, there have always been examinations and tests to mark my progress. And the years are remembered by some sort of structure and accomplishment. 2011 is the first year in which there was nothing structured to help me measure my growth and success. No formal institution, no higher authority. All of a sudden, my growth becomes my sole responsibility and measurement. And for a while, I felt as though i was drifting and unable to chart my direction and course. When I saw a groupon deal for a powerboat course, I took it up and managed to achieve one of the things that I've always wanted to do- to be able to go boating and to maneuver a powered vessel. I never expected that learning this new skill and checking one thing off my bucket list, would give me such pleasure and excitement, and am truly glad for the spontaneity to go do it.

5. Travel. I had the opportunity to travel with some friends. I didn't manage to go far, but i had good company, time to myself, time to explore and learn new things about another country, people, customs and have a good time. Setting aside some money each month for travel is one of my best decisions of 2011 and it will continue into 2012.

6. Dealing with the complexities of me.
Despite this sounding rather narcissistic, I never fail to surprise myself with the multitude of aspects that I manage to hide even from myself. The numerous things that I subconsciously repress, the things that I consciously avoid and do everything to distract myself from it. Things that I thought that I've dealt with but have come back to bite me. On one of the days that I had a day off (and had to settle some car issues), I found myself driving down to Holy Spirit Church to visit ahma, ahkong, jo korkor and auntie agnes. I stood there for a long while looking at the niches, talking to them just as I would if they were sitting in front of me and I really miss them. I miss their comforting presence, their warm embraces, their scent, their nagging. I thought that after years of jo korkor being gone, and coming up to 3 years that ahma has passed, I would have completely accepted their passing and let go of any regrets that I have. During the confession in preparation for Christmas, I realised that there is a large part of me that while rationally, has come to terms death and the certainty that life will come to pass, there is also the part of be that hardly see the light- that which is still struggling to deal with massive gaps, of learning to love and trust another, knowing that there might be the risk of loss and knowing that the experience is worth it.

7. Having a pretty fun time at work; making new frolleagues and enjoying the work dynamics of the place. I know that with 2012, there will be alot of changes but will aim to enjoy it whatever way I can, for as long as I can.

8. Reading loads of books! :D In all honesty, I'm pleasantly surprised by the number of books I managed to read in the past year. It must have been in the vicinity of about 30-35 books, much more than I had anticipated. (: I rediscovered the joys of reading I had when I was young, when reading was for pure enjoyment and not because I had to do a book review or an assignment or do a literature critique on it. The pleasure of seeing the words jump out from the page at you, imagining the scenes and talking to the characters in my head. Ahh, the joys of imagination.

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So now we come to the resolutions part of 2012. What do I envision myself to be in the year ahead, the goals that I aim to achieve, the person that I want to grow into. Just a quick checklist to help myself along the way. (to keep to the straight and narrow, if i should ever lose my bearings)

1. Read 25 books this year- remember and keep the joy of reading.
2. Write a sentence a day- finish up my personal project
3. Run a 10km, 21km and the 42km
4. Learn another skill - be it scuba diving/sailing/horseback riding/golf
5. Make a conscious effort to THANK people for the things that they do
6. Make room for some alone quiet time each day. I'm not asking for much carm, just 10 minutes a day. surely even you can handle this?
7. Spend some time with God. I know that my faith wasn't one of my priorities in 2011, but lets start small eh, carm? how about sending up a quick prayer in the mornings and night?
8. Travel. Make that plan to Europe a reality.
9. Finish up with Insanity - this 60 days is a real test of will power.
10. Spend less time in my room/on my laptop at home. Lets have proper conversations people! If you see me playing on my phone/ipad/laptop when I'm supposed to be meeting up with you, please slap me and remind me that you deserve my undivided attention!

10 things to get started on, 10 things that I want to get right. Lets go! Progress Report needed every quarter!

I'm afraid that i'll become boring and my life will become monotonous.

At the beginning of this year, roughly about 3.5 months into my job, i realised how easily it was to be lulled into a rhythm of monotony. my unstructured days of bumming around, entertaining relatives from abroad after the end of graduation became replaced by a fixed awakening time, hours upon hours of sitting at the work desk, getting home from work, getting to social events towards the end of the week, getting into bed. Time for family and friends had to be planned and penciled into my organiser. Even personal time had to consult that no-nonsense little black book of mine.

When it was time for change and resolutions and new directions, I was altogether lost as to what I wanted to do or accomplish. To me, I felt as though I had fallen into a rut of sorts, a suffocating pit of duty and obligations, everything being a grown-up is all about. This suppression (of sorts) caused me to become limiting- as though I was losing control of things happening in my life. Deciding to do something about this crippling view, I gave myself a goal- an impossible one.

Now, there needs to be a little context in order to understand why this goal is (or at least it seems to be) absolutely impossible.

I abhor running. I don't dislike physical activity per se, I had quite the active childhood and was involved in several sports growing up - from playing tag, softball with my father in the backyard, netball, cycling, judo. I was good at learning new games and picking up sports. And I performed well at anything that involved fun and had a particular goal in sight. YET, I hated (why am I using the past tense??!? I still HATE) running. I was good at sprints, just never good at endurance running. Throughout my life, all my napfa tests, the 1.6km and later on, 2.4km runs were terribly dreaded. It would be the single component that will mess up my award. So yes, I could run up and down, about on the court, for 30 minutes playing netball but I would not last even 5 minutes running on the track.

Coming back to the goal. I thought to myself, 'I can do the impossible. I will do what I've spent the last 23/24 years of my life believing was impossible and I will run a marathon. If i can do what I've spent my entire life believing I was never good enough for, I can do anything.' So my goal was formed.

The journey thus far hasn't been smooth-sailing. Half a year has past and my stamina is still in the pits, due to my lack of discipline. Running still ranks low (bottom) in my list of favourite things to do and I have no idea how I'm going to finish the full marathon come early december. That said, despite my terrible physical condition I have finished a 12km and a 10km run (with lots of stops in between). The aim here is to finish regardless of the timing. That said, my pride (severely infused) refuses to allow me to finish last and demands that I finish my races respectably, which can be terribly annoying especially when the feet is sore and blisters are forming.

I have 8 weeks to my army half marathon run, and approximately 5 months to the standard chartered race. My aim? To survive the race and finish it within the 8 hour time limit given. Here's to going the distance.

so this morning, at 0230, Germany played Australia in their first world cup match of this season. BOY was I glad that I woke up to watch it! :D 4 excellent goals later, i stumbled back into bed, happy.

I received a call from Gerri on Wednesday, asking if I was free on Thursday to watch something with her at the Expo; not knowing exactly what I was signing myself up for, i agreed. Last night, I couldn't be more glad that I decided to be spontaneous and travel all the way down to expo.

Community Theatre can be rather erratic- hit or miss kind of thing. And yesterday, it was an awesome direct HIT. Sure, it was a musical to mark the end of the Year of Priests, a celebration of all that is good about vocation and callings. Despite the fact that my faith in the past year, has been questioned, tested and slowly fading, I cannot help but feel a sense of wonder and appreciation at the creative genius that went into the production of something so funny, yet meaningful.

The themes, the issues and the many random poignant questions littered throughout the performance had me thinking about things.

For example, if you truly love someone, only to have him/her snatched away by God. The question of if the love you shared even real, is so true. Or the idea that God never ever abandons you and always have a plan.

Much as i would love to believe in all these things wholeheartedly, I cannot help but doubt. But in seeing the sheer amount of religious and priests that were present at the expo, I feel heartened (?). It was as though, faith was contagious and I was in the presence of such great faith.

I am looking for some answers and direction; and the advice that I always get is to pray and discern. But I've been praying and discerning and God is not answering. Where/what am I supposed to go or do or want?

Everyone has fears. Be it death, insects, people, phobias etc. Everyone as a weakness.

Once someone has a hold of your weakness, it can be used as leverage for manipulation. Therefore, in order to succeed, one has said that first, conquer your fears.

I have several fears, some are obvious and I have no qualms about admitting to; while others are more complex, and even when I'm alone, I may not want to admit.

Recently, I have started asking myself for the reasons why I choose to do certain things and pursue a certain course of action. This quest has led me to the inevitable conclusion of certain fears. I need to face up to them before I can conquer and vanquish them.

Of all fears, i fear most of all, mediocrity. 

I was thinking if i should post my acknowledgments on facebook, but nah... i prefer a more subtle version on my less well-known blog.

i finished my ISM on Sunday, 11th April in the afternoon at around 6pm, but stayed on in the honours room with marvelous company till 4am. The process has been really long drawn and irritating, but otherwise, i like to think of it as amazing and blessed. As i wore the convocation gown and the motar board, taking pictures with the rest of my hons friends, the fact that i'm graduating soon hits me.

i never thought that i would actually decide to do an independent study module. I hate writing long essays and doing literature reviews. I find just turning up for classes a much easier option. But i'm glad that i decided to stick with my decision in the end. During this period of academic free-style, i had to choose the topic that i'm interested in, stick to my guns when people were asking me to try something else, fight for keeping particular sections in my final essay and reworking at my arguments until they made sense to others.

But particularly, I would have to thank Simon, my supervisor, for rekindling my appreciation and love for political geography again (esp after bad experience with geopolitics in yr1), for believing in the individual despite what the system of bell-curve would have you believe. You were the one that kept reminding me that education and knowledge is so much more than the final grade. It is about knowing and contesting what others have told you and want you to reiterate. Because of you, i'm not bothered about my ISM grade, because the ISM gave me a chance to understand and start an affair with giorgio agamben.

For all my friends, whom otherwise, life would have been much more boring. special mentions to the girls, rachel, frances, gomes, matty, trina, magdalen, ritchell: for checking up on me and serving as my much needed distractions when i wanted to procrastinate and not think about HOMO SACER for a while. to leonard, kelvin, acpaul, cherylyn, jared, magdalena, for being drinking buddies and good company whenever we met up for food and drinks. thanks leonard, for the inconspicuous amount of alcohol provided and for cooking up a storm.

for the CSS people, who constantly serve as my reminders that there is more to life than just grades. for their support and prayers.

to the special hons people who give me so much laughter and joy, especially during the most stressful moments. For the special welfare packages, the lovely breaks taken, crowding around the tables in front of the hons room and making fun of each other. Special thanks to Ritchell, Zhiqi, Huishi, Mingli and Yien for looking through my final ism and giving me their comments. :D Dear ming, huishi, mellow, yien, guoyuan, andy, gerald, jared, kai, doris, kexin, prick, pris, joanna, yanjie. you have really made hons year the best year in my NUS life. :D

Special thanks go out to my family, especially for the days when i'm snappy because i cannot meet the word count/cannot phrase my thoughts/did not have enough sleep etc. For the many lunches da pao-ed and rides to school that daddy specially gives during his lunch break, for the bird nests that is placed on the table for me, for your prayers and for making fun at me not being able to meet my first deadline. you taught me that life even in its stressful moments has its amusing parts. to Tim, for constantly peering at my laptop and asking me if i've finished my paper and have submitted it.and also for the brunch when i'm hungry.

last but not least, i thank God for his blessings even though i'm not the model catholic. For putting the special people above in my life and guiding me through it all.

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To the many forgotten and invisible groups of people in the world:

I don't claim to be able to understand your position or know the kinds of injustice you face. But i believe in the spirit of the human person and the capacity for all of us to feel compassion. In studying and reflecting on the concepts learn, and applying it into my ISM and personal beliefs, I can only hope that it can make a small difference and inspire others to question the accepted 'regime of truth'.

thank you for showing me the beauty of being human- that human dignity is inherent and not based on wealth, status or identity.


edit: just to add, i wonder if you know that taking to you after finishing my ism made me very happy. it was a day of many happy moments and i went to bed smiling. i stayed up to talk, only because it was you.

you know the thing about being a meddler and a fixer? you tend to fix and meddle everything; even with the people whom you want for yourself. and at the end of the day, when you see them happy and 'fixed', and someone asks you the question of whether you are happy? you don't know, you never know the answer.