carmieeleetah ((:

someone once said, count your little blessings and be grateful for them

2009-12-28T16:05:06Z

so, another year is almost passed, and tis the time for reminiscence and hindsight.
this year has truly been an emotional roller coaster and the thought of doing another list of what happened is too draining for me.

so, i'm just going to count my little blessings of the last few days.

Christmas was nice and quiet. lots of family time. the eve was spent helping my parents cook up a delicious meal before we slacked and watch the santa clause on teevee. (yes, we managed to watch all three movies. -_-) before sitting around, snacking and slacking as i sent christmas messages out before the lines got jammed up. christmas mass at st jos with the beautiful lights, sitting in the pews in my new dress (yay!) and people watched before mass started. came home to drink more wine, watch more teevee with dad before i gave up out of sheer exhaustion and headed for a cold shower and a quick read in bed.

chrismas day was spent sleeping in, lunch with the extended family before more naptime, dinner and more family stuff. (:

boxing day saw me having german class, where we talked about all things christmas in german, before mass and dinner with the family and going visiting.

sunday was impromptu mj with my aunt and uncle where she kept teasing me about my lack of skills, but lucky hand; more reading time and family time before baking brownies in the evening.

my christmas' had never really been THAT family oriented before. this is the first christmas where i havent been to a friend's gathering in the xmas eve, day and boxing day period. Its undeniably quiet, but in a nice way. there isnt a rush to get to this, or do that. there is not loud hahahas and hohohos. i felt no desire to rip open presents and drink mindlessly. it's a christmas of adaptation and finding oneself again. deep down, i think that there is a fear that once ahma is gone, the family will fall apart. but seeing how my uncles still find the time and effort to meet up, and make arrangements for lunches and dinners, how the cousins too are trying, how conversations and teasings still flow (although, admittedly, there will always be those little awkward moments) and laughter all around, i sense continuity and love and hope all around.

so! i'm doing my part as well! and making the effort to meet up. tmr, tim, belinda, philene and me shall go iceskating and lunching and whatevering, just because. ((:
looking forward to falling on my arse and laughing.

ENUFF! MERRY CHRISTMAS everyone! (:

2009-12-23T06:19:24Z

i was going to do the alternate red and green fonts for xmas, but nah. too much time and effort.
but yesh! enough of emo posts! time for christmas, laughter, smiles and joys! (:

BUT YESH! holidays so far, has been a mad rush from one thing to the next and it has been fantabulously well spent. Christmas Carols are blasting from my mac as i go about tidying the house and my room, surfing the net for recipes for xmas, getting distracted with pictures of xmas trees, snowmen and lights to put as my desktop picture.

(: excited!

just when you think that time heals all wounds, you find the little paper cut

2009-12-15T03:55:40Z

Being home along much these few days, have meant that i've been trying out new experiences all the time.

I've never had to return to an empty house until this year. and even then, there was school, exams and assignments and stuff to distract me. it's not wonder that now that exams are over, i've been packing my schedules with outings, meet ups, drinks, all in an honest attempt to distract myself and run away. from what? i'm not sure myself. loneliness? hurt? pain?

so irony of ironies, i find myself home after a night of drinking too much, nursing a headache that pounds at the back of my head. and i start to do some honest, straight-up soul searching.

as i play christmas carols on my laptop, i start tearing without knowing the reason why. and before i know it, streams started to form and flow down my face, my body racked with silent sobs. Christmas seems different, quieter, lonelier. the holiday that usually means family, love, laughter has become one that is bittersweet. i spent my last Christmas on exchange, in holland with Amy, Jan and Jodi, away from home. and that was the last xmas where grandma was around. to remember what xmas was with ahma, i have to think back 2 years, and somehow, the time seems to have made the memory rather blurry. all of a sudden, i'm acutely aware of how my cousins who spend so many holidays away from home feels.

i did some mental calculation, and its been more than 6 years since jo korkor passed away. and there are times that i still miss her so so much. going on a nature walk yesterday, i was able to spot animals, name plants and was prepared with everything i needed, cause i was so used to exploring nature areas with korkor when i was younger. reservoirs, monkeys, sungei buloh, rainy days, quarry trips, hydroponic farms. so just for fun, i decided to google her name. and on the facebook page for st joseph's convent, i read how so many of her past students remember her. and through their comments and post, i'm reminded of how her students used to come over for meetings and gatherings, how she used to take me along to school where i will practice shooting shots into the netball net, where i will peer nosily into the two-way mirror to see what mrs chan was doing, where i will see sporty cindy who i will always remember as the teacher that wears the harness. i couldnt keep the tears back, or deny the fact that there is a place that still hurts in my heart.

now with ahma, i wonder how long the healing process will take. how long i'll continue to miss her for. how i'll tell my kids stories about their grandaunt and great-grandmother. perhaps, the paper cuts are meant to serve as proof that these people existed and are important to me. perhaps the paper cuts will never go away.

woohoo!

2009-12-02T14:54:30Z

hello there!

carmie is exceptionally happy today because the end of coastal marks the end of exams and start of holidays! (: day was spent slacking in school whilst waiting for the skies to clear, chatting with people before dashing of to halland v for early dinner with gerri, coming back to school to collect our tickets for 'bedroom' and then having a larger before the show.

the peranakan show, coupled with the conversation with gerri, was food for thought.

i couldnt have spent a more chillax day as the start of 5 weeks of freedom. (:

alright. tuition tmr at 0700 hours, before more slack and meeting with cj classmates at night. enjoyment and relaxation, here i come!

my feelings with regards to 4101A indv assignment

2009-11-03T11:22:22Z

dear world,
they say, a picture speaks a thousand words. this one, speaks 2,500.

I wonder if HY will accept this as my submission.

BUT! i have to give special mention to some people. zhiqi, ming and kai for helping me with my thoughts and sitting through all my convulated shit.

its the climb

2009-11-01T10:04:28Z

i'm sitting at my desk, after a long unproductive day of 4101A, listening to the kids in the pool next to my room. and in many instances, today is a lousy day of work, yet somehow, i cant help but feel that its one of those days whereby as a family, we've spent some quality time together.

i've been civil to my brother and MORE IMPORTANTLY, he has been civil to me. as we were packing/unpacking more boxes, i spent some time laughing at all the auntie clothes my mom packed away THINKING that she will wear them someday. but yes, you get it. she never ever wears them in the end. i ate a whole box of strawberries, tried on the BS shoes that my brother gave me, but i was just to lazy to wear. it fits, although it is kinda big. napped abit. made my brother try on the fugly jacket which because it was so fugly, actually looked interesting. if i ever decide to be adventurous one day, you might just see me in it.

i found it so hard to go grave visiting today. i guess its cause i know that after next week, i wont ever be going back there again. and yet, because we've been going every single year, instinctively, i knew where i was going, which direction to turn etc. i'm just sad that with ahma's passing, everything seems to be changing.

magic link

2009-10-28T14:27:57Z

http://reddotmagic.com/cyril-simply-magic/

hey guys, if you are interested in magic, check this out! (:

every single minute, my brain cells are getting fried from all the thinking

2009-10-25T15:48:23Z

no joke. i really think that every minute i spend thinking of geographic thought and its development, my brain freezes up and goes into self destruct mode. after 11 weeks of this shit, i'm still very much confused with what i'm supposed to know and not know. it doesn't help that everytime i think i'm close to understanding, i realised that i'm far from it.

life has been a helluva busy period spent in school with assignments after assignments. honours year has been passing way too fast for my liking. i feel as though i haven been spending time with friends and family. flipping through photos. i realised that my mom's side doesn't have huge family photos with the entire extended family! maybe i should take one the next time we gather together.
but i am enjoying what hons year has to offer. i feel that some modules have made me alot more reflexive about myself- thoughts and action. Others have made me think more than i ever had in the first 3 years of my undergraduate life combined.

am starting to pick up german after approx 6 years and it's been a real pleasure to rediscover the structure and quirks of the language again. in some ways, in revising what i have done my entire undergraduate life, i have to admit, as much as i was terrible then, i'm still rather amused at how much better i was then as compared to now. but i am working hard at it! it helps that i have ritchell and matty to practice on (whenever the mood strikes or when time permits). PLUS! i've started to converse in chinese again! haha. with prick and zhiqi! i need to relearn my 'lost' languages!

god help the outcast

2009-10-23T06:00:10Z

re-watched the video of on youtube after gerri posted it on facebook. and it reminded of the the many things that i want/think i need; the language and discourses that are produced by me when i talk about them.

and in many ways, i know that there is much that i have to be thankful for, yet there the the human, materialistic part of me that always want more. when does it get too much? or when does ambition become greed? why is it that particular discourses create the perception that ambition/greed is bad, while others celebrate it.

if everything is to be production of some sort of knowledge that is debatable, and contestable, then is there even an absolute knowledge? my religion (not the choice of word) will claim that it is absolute truth. but then again, are they?

alien from outer space

2009-10-15T13:27:47Z

someone once told me: the older you get, the better you know yourself and the direction you want to go.

HAH! that's a big HAH to that statement.
there are some instances where i feel as though i know where i'm going and what i want to do, but there are alot more instances where i'm not so sure. it sure doesnt help that we seem to be in a position whereby people expect you to know where you are headed or what you want.

when faced with so many choices and possibilities, yet feeling so small and insignificant, i'm rather lost. the paradox of choice.

increasingly, as work piles up, i feel as though i'm losing contact with many friends. and although i'm surrounded by people, there is the feeling of being isolated and alone. and while i do love solitude and peace, for some reason, i'm not feeling that now. instead, i'm feeling abandonment and dissatisfaction.

why carmie why?
and stop thinking so much and do your work!

slipping into unconsciousness

2009-10-14T14:50:02Z

trina came over yesterday, to spend some quality time with each other since i've not seen her since last semester. we made apple crumble that made me happy, talked and laughed and caught up.

and it just occurred to me the amount of work that i have procrastinated doing. i've stopped half of my tuition assignments and theoretically, i should have more time to finish up my assignments. BUT! that is not the case. work seems to be progressing painfully slow and i'm starting to panic.

breathe carmie breathe.

the thoughtstream that haunts me

2009-10-10T17:10:15Z

I've been have a stream of thoughts run through my head. and even when i'm asleep, i'm thinking and dreaming weird dreams. perhaps its because I've been doing too much work...

but, good news first! i have finished 4 deadlines in the past week! (: i'm freaking happy, tired and feel as though i'm losing steam (which is bad cause i still have 10 more to do). it's going to a short break before i rush out coastal and settle physical manifesto, before starting on the big pile still left undone.

I'm been thinking too much, feeling too much.

i miss my grandma. i really do. and i know nothing that i say or do; or the number of times i throw a tantrum; or how much it hurts when i think of her, is going to bring her back. and it's something that i have to deal with.
the lack of notice/mental preparation has made it exceptionally more difficult.

i wonder at the world and how fulfilling my current life is. i try to do things for myself and i fight to make things work. and yet, i wonder at the effects of my actions, of the people around, of my work.

i'm a series of contradictions. i dont know what i'm typing anymore.

when your life is not really yours to live

2009-10-01T15:27:35Z

have you had the experience whereby you feel trapped and obliged to do things that you don't want to?
it's not a good feeling. and after doing it for a while, it becomes second nature to you to do those chores and duties that you forget what you intended to do for yourself in the first place.

stuck in the rut.

i feel like that.

i'm the listener, i'm the buffer. i'm the responsible kid, i'm the support.
and while all these sounds good and nice and normal. they aint the qualities that make me happy, or make me feel as though i'm being the person that i am meant to be.

everyone has their opinions and prejudices. i'm very irritated at how some people try to influence others to thinking the same way as them. i believe that everyone should be given a chance to see for themselves who the other person is to them. just because you had a bad experience with someone doesnt mean that everyone else will have a bad experience with them. and just because they do not have the same worldview as you, doesn't make theirs any less worthy.
it is the mark of a narrowminded arse, when you cannot accept the fact that there will be others who perceive and conceive of things differently.

i dont believe that people are THAT easily influenced. everyone has to make their own choices, so shut up and let them make their own mistakes.

love have the tendency to want to overprotect. love thinks that we must agree in order to coexist harmoniously. i disagree- in that case, what you have is not love but an obsession to possess something.

it's time i stop worrying about you and stop living the life that you want from me. i have my choices to make, my life to live and my mistakes to learn from.

little interesting facts that make you stop and ponder

2009-09-25T17:25:20Z

well, today marks (somewhat) the end of the mid-sem break. and much as i would like to announce that it has been a productive one, sadly, it is not.

i spent the whole of last week being sick- sick enough to 1.crawl into bed at 8pm; 2.go see a doctor and get a week's load of antibiotics and 3. to be still coughing right now.

so in lieu of that, the pile of work has not moved a single bit. i'm so screwed!

but just a few interesting things that happened.

1. on the fieldtrip to bintan, while i was feeling particularly listless, it was comforting (?) to hear the song 'still' playing in the car while we traveled from one spot to another. made me think about life, religion, faith. plus the fact that it was nice weather, good company, fresh air helped clear my mind too.

2. went to the national museum with political geog class where we met simon's family. great kids! had fun. BUT! i had to have a fall at the busstop after lunch. for the actual story, ask me personally. the hand is feeling too sore to type it all down.

3. i have to get down to work. f it.

what we choose to believe in.

2009-09-03T08:41:38Z

often a times, we are called to make a judgment; a decision after being presented with information/facts. But then, we also have to realise that the presentation, inclusion/exclusion of certain information can skew the scenario that we are being shown.

i feel as if i'm running away from something. as though i'm resisting an obstacle of sorts. i'm no longer happy- and although i know that i haven been happy for a while; there is really nothing that is holding me back from it now. i don't like the state that i am in right now- in terms of mental, physical and emotional- yet i lack the impertus to change or do something about it.

i'm a series of contradictions. i need to start reaching out again, but feel as though i want nothing better than to keep to myself. if i know that i've got to change, why can't i bring myself to make that change?

you are made of your experiences

2009-08-26T18:06:32Z

my dad exclaimed today that i'm the person i am, because of the things i've been through.

to put this in context, this came after my mother remarked that a friend of mine (who is the same age as me) seem rather young and childish. i suppose i should be rather offended when both my parents seem to think that i'm old and mature. but really, when your dad says something like the above, it's rather sweet too isnt it?

in a way, i wonder if parents are really the people that know you best.

but i have to agree with my dad this time. i do believe that people are made of their experiences. over the years, i've changed- in part to the different experiences that i've been through. i dont regret them, because i'm the person i am because of them.

i've loved and lost. had people that i care for dearly taken away by death. felt desolation in the midst of friends. seen what sickness and disease can do to a healthy person. had to take on responsibilities that i never wanted or knew i could. had to learn to be independent since young. played mediator to too many people when all i want is to be left alone. heard too many problems and things. carried too many secrets. kept too much of myself in.

sometimes i wonder if i'm too predictable and tend to do things in the most pragmatic way possible. if i have cared less and done things differently, what kind of a person would i be?

A dedication

2009-08-19T10:57:13Z

This post is dedicated to an amazing lady, a great influence in my life- my Ahma.

I have lived with Ahma my entire life. I've not known a day whereby she's not around.
She's there when i leave the house to go to school or to go out;
she's there when i come home, always ready with a smile and a question
"how's your day?" or "what did you see/do today?"

she'll nag at me to come home early, sleep early, eat more, dry my hair etc.
and when she notices i'm tired, she'll make tonics for me to drink.
she'll pick my blanket from the floor to cover me in the middle of the night,
she'll cook my favourite foods when i crave for them.

she's ever so generous with her love and prayers
and i think i've had several blessings because of her intercession.
she isnt famous or great
but in her simplicity, she is everything that i aspire to be-
quiet, supportive, generous and loving- never keeping scores or calculating.

i believe that she had lived a fulfilling life;
a life full of things that matter- love, family and God.
i only hope that she is happy now and that one day, i'll meet her again.

as i start on a new phase of my life, one that i have never experienced before,
i'll miss and remember her everyday, and keep her close to heart.

8/9 of us

2009-07-09T07:00:57Z

For the first time in a long while, 8 out of 9 of the grandchildren are here.

the house is noisy and full of life; and even though we have all grown up and have distinct lives of our own, when we get together, it doesnt seem like we've grown up much. i type/say this all with some disbelief and amazement because i dont remember all of us seeing each other much when we were growing up. But i have to say, i think our ease with one another has something to do with the fact that we're ultimately still family.

was talking to mae (one of the two cousins visiting from aussie- the other being lynsue) about family and i guess some traits that we all have is passed throught bloodlines. she never thought she'll be so alike to uncle johnny and i'm worried that i'm too much like aunty jo. i was worried about eventually forgetting and how perhaps family ties will fade with time, but i suppose as long as there is a connection of bloodlines, one cannot simply be cut off from each other that easily.

i never thought that my family- and even extended family- was close. but these few days, i have to say we're closer than i've remembered. and it's easier to talk? whereas there might have been generational gaps between the younger ones and the older ones (i and tim are the youngest), as we got older, these differences seem less important. it is very amusing to see tim show random magic videos and pictures of him and friends on facebook to both lynsue and mae.

keeping a family together requires a central presence, a matriarch/patriarch, effort (or forced cooperation) from all parties, lots of committment and patience. my family is one that is full of pride, stubborness, tempers and love. i hope that as it continues to grow, we'll all remember what it is like to be family.

introspect

2009-06-23T09:30:25Z

the thing about looking too deep within yourself for answers? it actually works. before the mind/heart/soul (whatever it is) steps in to distract your thoughts and lead you to somewhere where you feel more comfortable, and safe. and the unresolved question and issue fades, once again, away to the recesses of your subconscious.

that's all for now. will edit when i can phrase thoughts coherently

/edited

met r for a talk late on wednesday. as we sat on the steps on the overhead bridge, talking about stuff till late in the night. for a while, i felt as though i was back in loughborough, sitting in the middle of the pavement, looking at the stars.

i managed to voice out some of my thoughts that night. i faced the facts that i have a tendency to push away people that i really like. it's hard realising that you are not as strong as you think you are. i'm keeping faith that everything will be ok in the end althought its not an easy thing to do.

when expectation and reality dont meet

2009-06-17T10:11:28Z

i heard some news. and i'm happy, tinged with a little- i dont know- disappointment?

i guess i expected more from you.

wonder why you're here and not there

2009-06-14T06:27:42Z

stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're 'here' not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, can u see what I see

the thing is, i dont see. and in recent times, i've woken up to the reality that life really just isn't fair. and in some weird way, my usual moral conscience is not working and i'm finding it increasing easier to live with the unfairness of the system and world- something i use to struggle vehemently against.

on another note, the conversation with the roomie the other night, where she exclaimed in all seriousness, was rather sweet.

"roomie, you're not difficult to love. whoever told you that, including yourself, is an idiot"

there you go, my roomie thinks i'm very lovable. (maybe that''s why she loves me so much!)

growth?

2009-06-08T10:05:27Z

i have seen, for myself, what devotion and unconditional love look it.
i have stared straight into the eyes of duty and obligation.
i am now friends with selflessness; partners with frustration.

i'm learning to live with patience.
grow in hope; bargain with God.
in hopes that i have the survivor streak in me,
learning to cope with the curveballs that life throws.

that eventually, i become a more loving person.

truly, its hard to thank God, the universe, the supreme being (whatever you call it) for the many trials and tribulations that seem to unfold in our lives. i've tried coping with it, whining about it and nothing seems to help. It is only after the whining stage that the brain seems to understand and enter a whole new frame of mind. i'm seeing things (or at least trying desperately) with new glasses, forced to learn things that i have always wanted but have put off too long. someone once told me that God doesnt give us directly what we want, but gives us opportunities to get it/there ourselves.

while i'm growing up, there is a part of me that still wants to regress back to being a child.

the guy i can never meet, him; him i want to give my whole heart to

2009-05-03T14:58:27Z

i love watching the lake house. and in some very weird way, the movie will always remain dear to me. i love the lines kate sprouted in the pub, and for that, i shall embed the youtube clip for you guys to watch it.

btw, the whole movie can be found on youtube. (:

keeping it up

2009-05-01T09:17:54Z

the thing with being a tuition teacher, is the frustration that comes along as part of the job. whenever your kid doesn't perform to the best of his/her abilities, you feel the urge to take over and do his/her exams for him/her. when i see them despairing when the workload gets too difficult, i wish there was something that i can give to them to make them see the bigger picture, where life is more than just those 6 years in primary school, or the 4 years in secondary. where you life truly is a journey of going into the unknown, where you can be anyone you want. at their age, the world should be their oyster and anything is possible.

in our educational system, perhaps we have failed to teach our students that there is an intrinsic value in mere existence and being. of taking time out to become one with our surroundings; to nurture our thoughts to image beyond textbook knowledge; to realise that who i am now, will be different from who i will become; that failure now does not mean failure in the future.

my favourite moments teaching them, are not the times when they score full marks for their spellings, or finish all the homework that i set out for them but them times when they truly enjoy the learning process, when they discover for themselves the little gems of knowledge, find the system in which essays should be structured into; how maths problems are solved and that they themselves are capable of great work. i'll always hold dear, what happens after each lesson. As i walk home, i'll always hear shouts of "byebye lao shi! lao shi byebye!" from the window where the kids are looking down and waving to me. it can be rather paiseh, but i still love them for their cute-ness and innocence.

it's not imparting knowledge that matters, but being present in their lives.

i believe

2009-05-01T06:59:19Z

i love exams, not for the amount of readings and notes that i have to cramp into my brain, but the sheer flexibility of the period. for the past 3 weeks, everyone has been caught up mugging, reading and preparing for exams. in a weird rather anti-social way, this has given me a chance for a breather of sorts.

not having places to go, things that has to be done ( other than the no. of chapters that have to be read, memorised and digested) i've lived rather happily. i've found time to watch videos online, finish reading my book on St John of the cross, come to terms with my own (lack of) spirituality, do sufficient readings to feel productive, do little things for others just cause i felt like it, go on drives with dad to relax.

I'm always amazed at how fast time seems to pass when i'm in the exam hall. each time i glance up at the clock, the minutes seem to have slipped by. and although it is rather stressful when you have not finished your question by a certain time-marker, i always come out of the exam hall feeling as though the past 2 hours have been really productive.

maybe i'm meant to become more anti-social. or spend more time pursuing the simple academic pleasures of reading anthropological articles, environmental books and post structuralist theories.